Right. Where was I?

Right. Where was I?

Sorry about being a little oblique in my previous post. Every time I tried to go into more details, I cried, so I gave as much as I could.

So, here is the full story with no euphemisms or hyperbole.

I have depression.  I’ve had it for as long as I can remember.  I was about 6 or 7 when I first shut myself in my wardrobe and wished for the world to disappear.

My depression got worse when I contracted the Epstein-Barr virus and developed the glandular fever that eventual led to my M.E.

For a long time I resisted going on anti-depressants, seeing it as a failure of will.  However, spending hours on my bedroom floor howling made me change my mind.

It was wonderful.  Truly amazing, what this little pill could do to my brain chemistry.  Unfortunately, while it was positive for one part of my brain, it was negative for another and I developed muscle spasms.

I had all kinds of tests in case I had developed the same condition my mother had, but everything came back normal (first time for everything!).  It was only in passing that I mentioned to my GP that I was still having these spasms, tremors and twitches and she suggested that it may be a side-effect of my beloved pills.

We decided that I should slowly come off them and see if they were indeed the cause.

They were.  I am now 99.9% spasm-free.  However, this has come with a price.  The Black Dog that for so long had been held at bay found me again.

I can only describe those three weeks without anti-depressants as the worst weeks of my life (and I’m including the death of my grandfather in that).  If it hadn’t been for the love, support and reassurance of my family I’m not sure I’d be here writing this.  At least, not in one piece.   Things got very desperate.

At the end of those three weeks, I went back to see my GP.  She gave me a questionnaire to fill out about my mental state.  I think I scored quite highly.  And, as in golf, large numbers are not good.

365:233 S is for (by dyedinthewool)

I’m now slowly easing myself on to another, newer, SSRI that is supposed to have all the benefits of the old one but with fewer of the side-effects.  It’s been less than a week and I already feel 100 times better.  I don’t care if it’s psychosomatic and I’m just taking a sugar pill.  All I care about is I now feel like a useful, functioning human being again, instead of a worthless fatty lump of shit on the the bottom of someone’s shoe.

I hope that in being so open I can help reduce the stigma that still surrounds mental health issues and also go some way to explain my absence from your blog (and mine, for that matter).

I hope to be able to get back in the swing of things soon, although now I’m feeling better I’m actually spending less time online, so maybe not!

Oh, and I’ve been crocheting.

365:232 (by dyedinthewool)


15 thoughts on “Right. Where was I?

  1. I’ve never had depression but I do have a daughter and a son who suffer from it. Although I can’t even begin to know what it’s like for them I have learned what to do when it starts to overwhelm them. I’m glad you’ve found a new pill that is working for you and I hope it continues to do so.


  2. As someone who has also suffered from depression from an early age… well, I don’t even know what to say, exactly, except that I’m glad the new pills are working and I hope you don’t get side-effects from them and I’m really glad you are back and feeling better. Your post just makes me feel so lucky that the first drugs I tried worked.


  3. There’s lots of good new prescription drugs out there right now – hopefully they’ve found one that is the ticket for you. My aunt suffers horribly, so while I personally haven’t been through it, I can at least understand from first-hand experience how tough it is. Hoping every day is just a wee bit better than the previous one. Hang in there!


  4. Another long time sufferer who also knows what it’s like to have to come off the magic pills – in my case it was pregnancy and now breastfeeding. I am back on a low dose at the moment and I think it started working very quickly, the only problem is that it helps enough for me to realise just how bad I feel, if that makes sense. Things are particularly challenging due to the school holidays – I also have a 14 year old and 4 year old driving me round the twist.


  5. Accolades to you for speaking about your depression. It needs to be brought into the mainstream of conversation, that’s they only way to take the stigma away. Thanks for doing this, and all the best with the new meds.


  6. Virtual hugs. I have depression too, was lucky that the first a-d I tried has worked well for me without any unpleasant side effects. I hope yours works well for you.


  7. It is good to talk about depression or whatever else ails you. I’ve never been a fan of prescription drugs, either, but without mine, I end up in a very bad way. So, thank goodness for those little pills, they can really save your life.

    I’m glad the spasms are gone and I’m glad you are starting to feel better. (((hugs and kisses)))


  8. For some one who seems to have been tightrope walking for the last few weeks that is very nice crocheting. Is it a doily or the middle of a really really big thing?
    I hope your tiny tablet helps….. although it appears that your fingertips have gangrene!


  9. Firstly, and most importantly, I LOVE your nail polish!!!!
    I sometimes want to cry too, though not on your scale I suspect!! Sorry they are having to fiddle with your drugs but I hope this new tiny tablet is more user friendly!!
    I don’t know why people are frightened of crochet. It’s not scary at all!!!


  10. A large part of my earlier life was spent suffering with depression. Thankfully it has now left the building — no medication for at least 20 years now. And I’m with you about the pills — even if it’s the placebo effect, if they work, they work! I hope these new ones do the trick without the nasty side effects.


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