Right. Where was I?

Sorry about being a little oblique in my previous post. Every time I tried to go into more details, I cried, so I gave as much as I could.

So, here is the full story with no euphemisms or hyperbole.

I have depression.  I’ve had it for as long as I can remember.  I was about 6 or 7 when I first shut myself in my wardrobe and wished for the world to disappear.

My depression got worse when I contracted the Epstein-Barr virus and developed the glandular fever that eventual led to my M.E.

For a long time I resisted going on anti-depressants, seeing it as a failure of will.  However, spending hours on my bedroom floor howling made me change my mind.

It was wonderful.  Truly amazing, what this little pill could do to my brain chemistry.  Unfortunately, while it was positive for one part of my brain, it was negative for another and I developed muscle spasms.

I had all kinds of tests in case I had developed the same condition my mother had, but everything came back normal (first time for everything!).  It was only in passing that I mentioned to my GP that I was still having these spasms, tremors and twitches and she suggested that it may be a side-effect of my beloved pills.

We decided that I should slowly come off them and see if they were indeed the cause.

They were.  I am now 99.9% spasm-free.  However, this has come with a price.  The Black Dog that for so long had been held at bay found me again.

I can only describe those three weeks without anti-depressants as the worst weeks of my life (and I’m including the death of my grandfather in that).  If it hadn’t been for the love, support and reassurance of my family I’m not sure I’d be here writing this.  At least, not in one piece.   Things got very desperate.

At the end of those three weeks, I went back to see my GP.  She gave me a questionnaire to fill out about my mental state.  I think I scored quite highly.  And, as in golf, large numbers are not good.

I’m now slowly easing myself on to another, newer, SSRI that is supposed to have all the benefits of the old one but with fewer of the side-effects.  It’s been less than a week and I already feel 100 times better.  I don’t care if it’s psychosomatic and I’m just taking a sugar pill.  All I care about is I now feel like a useful, functioning human being again, instead of a worthless fatty lump of shit on the the bottom of someone’s shoe.

I hope that in being so open I can help reduce the stigma that still surrounds mental health issues and also go some way to explain my absence from your blog (and mine, for that matter).

I hope to be able to get back in the swing of things soon, although now I’m feeling better I’m actually spending less time online, so maybe not!

Oh, and I’ve been crocheting.

Absolutely, give me 20 seconds…

Not dead.

Not really OK, either.

Have a “journey” (god, I hate when people say that) to go on and I can’t quite see the light at the end of the tunnel yet.

Hanging around on Ravelry, Plurk and Facebook and occasionally checking email.

Will be back.

Soon.

ish.

(UFOs) Unfinished Found Objects

In a fit of peak I decided to tackle my two boxes of unfinished objects.  (In my defence, they are small boxes)

With courage in hand, I went through the boxes to determine what to persist with and what to abandon.

Turns out, most of the space was taken up with single balls and skeins of yarn, not abandoned projects!

After I’d removed the yarn to a safe distance, I decided that these were the projects worth continuing with:

Clockwise from top left: preemie waistcoat, Knotty glove, Boudica sock, Guided by Love sock, Modular tank, crochet blanket

Not too bad, is it?  Plus there’s the Anniversary shawl (two clues to go), the Gusset Heel socks (just need to finish the ribbing) and the crochet shrug.

I wonder if I set one day a week aside to work on these UFOs I’d be able to stick to it and finish them?

And now for something more personal …

For medical reasons, I’m currently being weaned off some rather important pills.  The withdrawal is Not. Fun.  I’m trying to keep myself “connected” with outside world by being on Plurk and Ravelry, but my blog-reading and blog-writing has suffered for it.  I’m trying to keep up with people’s blogs but if I haven’t commented recently, don’t take it personally.  I’m hoping that these side-effects will start to ease soon (the tremors are new and particularly fun!) and I’ll be around a bit more.

And finally

A subject close to my heart (and the most political I’ve been on this blog since July 2005)

Tall Buildings in a Single Bound

OK, I’m not that much better, but I’m certainly in less pain and actually able to put weight on my leg!

I finished clue one of the Anniversary Mystery Shawl ‘09 (try saying that when you’re medicated!)

Sorry for the rubbish quality of the photo – it was something like half eleven at night when I finished and the flash is the best way of photographing the lace pattern.

I’ll have to be patient for the next clue (due on Saturday the 23rd, but no promise of what time of day).

I’ve also completed the first Gusset Heel Basic Sock, knitted in Lorna’s Laces Shepherd Sock

I’m really happy with the fit as well as the look of the sock

I just need to make sure I get the second sock started and keep going on it (the dreaded Second Sock Syndrome seems to have been determined to haunt me in recent times).

Not much knitting promised over the weekend because I’m preparing for the delivery of a new fridge-freezer and a new cooker on Monday (and for those in the UK, yes that is the Bank Holiday and no I had nothing to do with that choice of date!).

Oh, and I can now start learning to drive. Again!

WIP erm whatever day it is

I’m a little out of it because my hip’s decided to hate me. To be fair, I was reaching for a cup on a shelf and twisted but it shouldn’t have lead to this

That would be a cortisone injection directly into my hip muscle. If you think “well, that must have hurt” you’d be right!

Well, on to the Works In Progress:

1. The “Leprechaun” sweaters are motoring along, but they just look like the one I photographed only less finished!

2. Gusset Heel Basic Sock

I’m playing a game of chicken with my nerve as to when I start the ribbing.  I think I’m almost there.  The fit is very good and the yarn is lovely.

3. Goddessknits Anniversary Mystery Shawl 09 (GKAMS09)

I started this three times before I got it right and I’ve already made a mistake design choice as to where I put the dividing stitches, but here I am at half way through clue 1

I worked out that to finish in time for the next clue I have to complete 7 rows per day (I’m ahead of that at the moment).

My goals for the next week are:

• Finish as many of the sweater ornaments as I can and start planning the little hangers that go with them
• Complete clue 1 of the GKAMS09 and start clue 2 when it’s released
• Complete the first Gusset Heel sock and cast of for the second (try and complete the toe)

Small admin note: I’m trying WordPress’ own photo hosting for this post.  Do the photos load faster than with Flickr?  Do you like the fact you can enlarge the photos without having to go to Flickr?  Do you prefer Flickr-hosted photos because you can comment or “favourite” them?  Had you noticed/do you care?